What if you put these real fine print statements into FoolProof language?

Zero Percent!*
For a limited number of months, then the rate goes up! If you pay late, the zero percent disappears, and the rate goes really up. And, oh, we can't tell you how many months you'll get zero percent until we send you the card and you can't back out.

Oh, and we don't offer zero percent on cash advances or advances on those cute little checks we send you, and we can change the zero percent if you pay others bills late, even if you pay us on time, and don't forget we can change our mind on the zero percent, if we want to.

Oh, and if you go over your limit, we'll have to cancel this. But we love you.

Oh, we also have the right to change your interest rate, when we start charging you, to a variable rate, and we decide what the rate will be! Free Airline

Tickets!**
If you spend thousands and thousands with us, and if you pay on time, and if you earn enough to get the tickets before the free ticket offer expires, and we may have to change how much you need to spend to get a free ticket, and travel periods may be limited, and we can cancel this offer if we think you've become a credit risk, and we don't have to tell you how we determine if you've become a credit risk.

Earn Money!*+*
Not very much, of course. We normally give you back a penny or two for every dollar you spend, but you may not receive this if you're late or go over your limit or if we decide to cancel this promotion, and we're sorry we can't tell you if you'll actually get this until we see how your credit is, but then it will be too late for you to change your mind. Thanks..

Free Postcard Option!*+*+
Sorry, we can't tell you what this is, but you'll get it if you qualify, which we can't tell you if you do.

No Annual Fee!*****
Unless you're late, and if we approve you for a card with no annual fee, and we don't have to approve you for that. And if you're late even an hour on one payment, we have the right to cancel the annual fee, and if we decide competitive reasons allow us to do away with this feature, we can do that, and we can even raise your rate just because we want to, sucker!

Free Rewards!*+**+*
One point earned with every dollar spent! But we reserve the right to change at any time how many points it takes to earn a free reward, and if you apply for other credit cards from other people, and we decide we don't like that, we reserve the right to cancel this program, and to change your rate, just because we say we can. Really.

Free Bonus Points!*****+++**
Please refer to "Free" Rewards fine print, and refer to the alternate fine print under our zero percent offer, starting with two. And don't ask us what "two" is.

Redeem Up To $5000 On Your Next Vehicle!*++****++**
Oh, the car people just love this benefit! We don't guarantee you will buy a vehicle cheaper than you normally could, and in fact you may pay more for the vehicle than you would if you didn't want to "redeem" this $5000, and we don't control what sellers of vehicles do and therefore they may not give you a dime of this, really. But it sounds good.

We Send You Two Cards, Not One!*+++**^^**+++**
Think of the benefits! Fees and penalties on two cards rather than one! We can send you three, if you want.

Up To $1Million In Travel Accident Services!#*+++**^^**+++**#
Please note that we do not say "Travel Accident Insurance." We don't pay you a dime if you die, or are injured in an accident, or anything like that. And we determine what "travel accident services" are, and of course we won't pay a dime if you break any of our rules about anything.

The Terms and Limitations Are Real

If you really want a restless nights sleep, read some of the actual fine print on the "terms and conditions" section of most credit card statements.

Keep an eye out!